Thank You for Being a Friend: What It’s Like to Coach/Be Coached By Your BFF

by Amy Goldmacher

Coaching someone through the process of writing a book requires building a relationship around your roles as coach and coachee. How is it different if you coach someone with whom you already have a close relationship? What if you have been best friends since 1987? 

Amy & Kate circa 1992

I started the required practicum work for nonfiction certification in 2021. Luckily, I knew my BFF Kate, a therapist and decluttering coach herself, wanted to write a book, and I knew she would be great to work with, because we’ve been friends for almost 40 years. In this short interview, we reflect on what it was like to work together as coach and coachee. Warning: Kate uses curse words in this interview, which is totally her brand.

Amy:

What was it like to be coached by someone you knew so well?

Kate:

I didn't have any concerns about it at all. Because I trust you. It felt natural, like, hey, yeah, I'd like to write a book. And then you said, hey, I could help you do that. You want to do this with me? Yes, I would. Okay, cool. Let's do this. I never had any hesitations.

Amy:

In the early stages, did you ever say, “I don't know if I can do this, I don't know if I should do this, I don't know if I'm qualified to do this?” Did I prepare you for what it would take?

Kate:

I think my lack of understanding what it took to write a book actually made it so that I didn't have those fears at the outset. I would say that perhaps during the process of the proposal, I wanted to give up because it was hard and I wasn’t writing the book at that point. It was a lot of thinking. I did, in retrospect, feel it was absolutely useful, especially the annotated table of contents. I knew that I had your support all the way. I've never felt alone in this, which is really important. I don't know if that would feel the same if I didn’t know the person I was working with yet. I have so many years of trusting you, knowing you as a human being, knowing what you do, how you roll. I trusted that even when I was being a little bit of a brat, you wouldn't go “Screw you, I'm not doing this anymore.”

Amy:

I never felt like you were being a brat at all. I don't remember feeling that way. Working with you was easy. Maybe it's because we've known each other for almost 40 years. I never had any doubts that if you said you were going to do something, you were going to do it. I knew you had a good idea that was like a lump of clay and it just needed some shaping. Do you remember what made you feel like you were being a brat? 

Kate: 

No, there were just times when you would challenge me on the way I was doing something, or the order I had something in, or whether something made sense there. It’s common for me to be like, “Well, fuck you, I don't agree with you in any way, shape, or form.” And then I sit with it and go, “Yeah, yeah, yeah, she's right.” And then do my assignment and move on. 

Amy:

Yeah, I didn't see that part of it. But you're a therapist and a coach, so you must know that's part of the process. That's the job of a coach, to challenge, to say, are you sure you feel that way? Or have you thought about it this way? Or, if it makes more sense to me this way, maybe it would make more sense to other readers this way.

Kate:

I do have a tendency to initially resist. It's like a defense mechanism to initially resist and then think about it and see there truly was merit to what you were saying

Amy:

How about as you got further into it, like, once we got the proposal, then it was pitching agents, waiting for responses, and then getting the agent, and then going out on submission. Do you feel like you had adequate expectations of what each of those stages was like? Did I help you in any way? Or, was it all theory until you're actually in it?

Kate: 

I think it was all theory until I was in it. But I also leaned on the fact that I just intrinsically trust you and if you said to do something or if you shared an opinion, I just trust that. And I haven't second guessed things or over thought things, because it's actually a hell of a lot easier for me to go, well, Amy says just do it. Like applying for the [Book Pipeline Unpublished Contest, in which Kate won the Runner Up prize for her proposal in 2022, which led to her getting an agent]. You said, “You should do this.” And I said, “Sure, I've got a complete proposal, what the fuck?” It's almost like “My coach has told me I'm supposed to do this, so I want to please my coach, and so I'm going to do it.” I would say that that's probably a piece of it, too.

Amy:

Do you think everything you went through was worth it? And does your answer change If you paid cold, hard cash for this service? [Kate was my practicum client and let me use her materials for my certification submission, and I did not charge her for our work together.]

Kate:

I think it was worth it. If I had paid cold, hard cash, it would have been worth it. But it would have been hard for me to trust upfront that the money spent was going to be worth it because it wasn't going to immediately net an outcome. It’s tough to put the return on investment thing off to the side. But, this experience changes you forever. Changes the way you write, changes the way you see writing, changes your awareness of how publishing works. 

I come back to that annotated table of contents over and over and over again because it was annoying as fuck for me. Now I know that, as much as I don't like to be organized in my writing, being organized in your writing actually makes it easier to write. I couldn't have gotten that information without having done that work. 

Amy:

And it's the hardest part for everybody. And it is the crucible where the book idea is forged into a book.

Kate:

Yeah. I was pissy about it. I didn't want to do it. I was annoyed.

Amy:

Nobody ever does. Everybody hates it. It's so hard. It's so hard. And everybody spends the most time on it, and everybody thinks it's the marketing that's going to be the problem, but it is not. It’s the annotated table of contents. So you're not alone. 

Kate:

That's where my energy's going next time.

Amy:

Were you ever worried that our friendship would not survive this process? 

Kate:

No.

Amy:

Me neither. 

Kate:

It comes back down to trust. And we don't just have a long friendship. I believe we have a friendship that has proven that we can lean on each other. We can trust each other like that. Like, I can hand you my heart, and I feel safe doing that. I don't know that all friendships are like that. I really think that you and I have a very special relationship, and I am just beyond grateful for it. But, yeah, there was no point. And it never even crossed my mind. I was like,”She's gonna be annoyed with me if I don't get this shit to her.” But I I didn't feel like we were in danger ever.

Amy:

Me neither.

Kate:

Cool.

Amy:

Anything else you want to throw in there about being coached by a friend?

Kate:

If you're going to be coached by a friend, you just need to know that your coach's critique of your writing or of your method or your anything is not a critique of you as a person. Your friend is not critiquing you and saying, you're not good enough. Your coach is saying, hey, I'm the expert here, and I see this, and I'm gonna help you if you simmer the fuck down and listen to me. And if in your friendship, you can't do that, you're probably gonna have some problems.

Amy:

Did I ever say “You have to simmer the fuck down?” Because I never got the impression that you needed to be told that.

Kate:

I think there was a moment somewhere in there where you took a firm hand with me. I can't remember exactly what it was. So, clearly, it wasn't that important or terrifying like that. 

Amy:

I don't remember. The only thing I remember was when the agent said, “Send me the whole manuscript” and she wanted it in two days or over a weekend, and you were like, “I don't think I can do it.” And I was like, “Yes, you can, and you will.” That's the only time I thought I used a heavy hand.

Kate:

That felt more to me like support, like, “Yes, you can. You can do this.” 

I have a different appreciation now for what authors have done in their books. Again, that's the experience. It changes everything for you.
Amy:

You could totally write a novel! You just would need a fiction coach. I know you've got a whole business empire to work on, but you should totally write a novel.

Kate:

Am I gonna write about my fucking cats doing stuff? 

Amy:

You just need a little idea. Like, a person is faced with a challenge and does a thing. Start with that.

Kate:

Yeah, I’ll write a book based on the challenges of my existence. There you go.

Amy:

They call that memoir.

Kate:

Crap. 

Amy:

You can write a memoir, too. We can talk about it.

Amy & Kate in 2023, celebrating Kate signing with her agent

If you don’t have an almost 40-year friendship to base a coaching relationship on, build trust and credibility fast by looking out for opportunities for your client, assuring them feedback on their writing is not a critique of them, supporting their authentic voice, and propping them up when they need it.   

Kate Evans, a psychologist and life coach at soulfulspacecoaching.com, is represented by Cindy Bullard of Birch Literary. Kate’s book, Ditch Your Sh*t: Declutter the Crap out of Your Life and Home, is currently on submission.

Amy Goldmacher is a nonfiction book coach who helps aspiring authors transform their book ideas into killer proposals that attract agents and publishers. Click here for The Two Questions That Will Get You Writing Your Book.